im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
