Duck Duck Cougar?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
