Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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