sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
