i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
