I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
