Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
