I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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