I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
