i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
