Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
People in love make me want to vomit
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
