how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
