i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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