if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
