After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think I just shit out all my problems.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
