im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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