Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
