i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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