I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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