Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Small penises have feelings too.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
