I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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