Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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