When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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