Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
