I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize