I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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