You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
