she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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