Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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