i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
