I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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