I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
