oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
