The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
