I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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