just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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