So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
