my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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