Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she peed on how many people?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
