it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize