this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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