as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
