I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
