it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
