she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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