oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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