u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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