i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
