If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
