This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize