is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
