I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
