So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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