im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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