Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Randomize
