Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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