Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
