ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
