I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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