shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
