and she was petting her beer can
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
