it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
