I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
