so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
