I would go down on you faster than GM stock
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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