someone threw a dead crab at me
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Drunk is not a location!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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