I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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