I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
