Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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