Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
