She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
