we're blogging at a bar
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize