I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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